2023
I love New Years Day
We have so many family traditions, we added going to Avatar this year in 3D which was such a beautiful movie....
and I love waking up NYD and everyone is sleeping, almost all my chickens in my nest...
sipping on coffee, while my husband makes sausage balls and waffle, and sitting down and mapping out my entire year, as much as possible...this year stepping outside to welcome the day, coffee in hand, and the breeze brushes my face...
Reflection....
2022 was filled with varying degrees of ups and downs
MamaSprat leaving us was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually the most painful...
I have so many questions I wanted to ask her...
She leaves an unfillable gap in my world...
BUT love was her language of life...
If I can take nothing else forward from it...
I pray LOVING HARDER is the one thing I pull...
She loved HARD, no matter how badly she was hurt in the process...
Even I hurt her... For many many years, I didn't trust or believe her love for me...
I pushed it away
Do you do that?
God, I Missed so many things by doing that, my kids missed, who I am to become missed that nourishment...
I want to say by the time I gave into her, sobbing on her lap, begging her to forgive me for failing her, for failing her son, that it was too late...
But it wasn't...
'I love you Danya, don't you ever forget that, you hear me?'
I thrived, found hope, gave up the idea of suicide, loved my kids harder and I picked myself up and started putting one foot in front of the other...
I would get frustrated with her, her choices...
But they all stemmed from love...
She loved hard
And now...I have to pull all of that into me, and love hard to keep her love here...to keep it washing over my children, and one day their children
Her rose that I was given from her funeral greets me every morning. The boys roses have faded, tho I don't have the heart to discard them...
Mine still has beauty, and she reminds me...
It's time to step up
She held her great niece while she was in bed dying... her niece sobbing in her arms, begging Mama, 'Don't leave me aunt Janice...' surrounded by family all crying, and so weak and so tired but she said
'Look at me baby..........John 11:35..........Jesus Wept.........it's ok to cry baby' she held her, and stroked her braids...
Everyone around her bed said things, like 'Thank you Jesus' or 'go ahead baby, just get it out'. Even her big strong papa was crying at her desperation...I remember hugging her sister tight who was also crying
But Mama...lay there comforting her...telling her, even Jesus cried when he mourned, so go ahead and cry...healing begins there...
That's all I could think about when I walked up to her casket...she looked so absolutely beautiful...she would have been thrilled with her outfit carefully chosen by her sister...but I wanted to put myself into her arms, have her stroke my hair and say 'it's ok to cry baby' while she stroked my hair...
But that time had passed...
I cried so much
I wept until my makeup left every piece of my face the day of the funeral...I wore it hoping it would make me not cry...how dumb is that??
Instead, I had to turn to the living...
I held onto her brother, who has always been so kind to me, and just sobbed...he has buried not one but TWO sisters this year...but he hugged me tight and said. 'Ok Danya. It's ok.' He let me hug him as long as I wanted...
But there are never enough hugs...
My ex husband and his fiancé invited us to sit with them. She and I held hands, we held each other, we mourned this maternal loss...we both loved her so much...
I wonder if her rose is still hanging in there too...I hope so...
But what do I do with this rose?
This beautiful rose....
She's my last piece of mama that's living...besides my children and their father....
I have a client who has her mother's rose on her living room entertainment center, I accidentally bonked it once and felt terrible when she told me what it was for...
Now I have my own...
I have threatened everyone NOT to touch Mamas...
I get my own now...
This life is the gift...and it's only for a time...like this rose...
This life ends someday...
2023
Mama...somehow we are all still here, wondering how we will keep our sanity in the constant changes...somehow John 11:35 cleanses my soul, because you not living here with me still breaks my heart...
'I miss our jokes mama' I would say to her quietly while she lay dying....she would whisper 'I know baby' and then doze back off, me and Mama used to cut up somethin silly...
John 11:35
'Mama stop playin'...her bonus daughter said to her...she whispered 'I not playin baby, I not playin' she laid snuggled up right next to her while she lay there dying, soaking in her love...it moved me so much I even took a picture for her and sent it to her after... she said 'thank you girl', and she said she would come back, but I didn't see her again, not even at the funeral...it was too painful maybe...girl I get it...
John 11:35
I remember being so tired, just sitting there with mama up on her bed while she was dying, 'you look tired baby, lay here with me and take you a nap' she patted the bed, I laid there and cried, I never slept, but she rested, and she was beautiful and she held my hand as long as I wanted...she never let go...
John 11:35
Her son messaged 3 days before she died...and said she no longer wanted any visitors. I was completely crushed. But I stayed at home for 3 days, wondering how she was...and I wept...but respected her wishes...
John 11:35
It never said how much Jesus wept, or how loud, or how long, just that he did...
There was no measure, just a fact, a reality that HE WEPT...
John 11:35
Her son messaged 3 days later and said she was not doing well and no longer coherent 'can I come?'...'yes', I jumped up immediately, put down all my food, and grabbed my keys and left I don't even know if I was dressed in clothes, it may have been pajamas...I rushed to her side...
Tears at bay again because I could help...
Her last moments were so hard. She was in so much pain. Hospice was not helpful with her, we never got her comfortable, she cried out. I lay their with her as though she was a laboring woman and said 'mama, you're doing so well. you are so brave. you are so beautiful. I am so proud of you' as I softly stroked her arm...until it was just a whimper...and then...only quiet filled our space in her stillness...her little body done with it's journey, and no more pain...
John 11:35
God I hated that moment. I hated knowing she had left. I hated everything in that moment. I hated the physical pain that charged through my body, ripping through my soul. I hated it. I didn't realize I was crying...I hadn't cried there with her openly like that, but she was finally, beautifully at peace...
and I WEPT
I didn't care who was there, I didn't care who saw me, or what they thought...I hated it...I touched her precious body, her face her chest where her heart was done beating...and I WEPT...I was relieved that she was no longer in pain...but the crushing pain that NEVER again in this lifetime was I going to have HER stabbed my entire physical living being...
And when I finally left her side...
I wept...and wept...and wept...
John 11:35
2023
It's morning. It's been exactly 3 weeks since Mama moved on from this realm...I walked outside with my coffee...it's January 1, 2023...and the breeze hits my face making me feel the tears not yet dry...
'Imma always be there Danya. Even if it's just a brush of the wind, I'll be right there, you hear me...'
Mama...you never have to cry another tear...
I love you Mama, and don't you ever forget that, you hear me?
2023....
I am READY FOR YOU!
Let's do this Mama
Let's make all these things happen we have all been talking about...
Lord lead me...
With you, I am unstoppable...
With you, ALL things are possible...
John 11:35, and then Let's Freakin Go!
About the Author Danya Powers:
A mom and business owner, I have been working with people in the fitness arena since 2004. I am not a magazine cover model, I'm a mom of 8, 3 biologically mine, 2 of my heart, and 3 in my new marriage. I'm passionate about getting people to the next level. I'm just like you, fighting against globesity one person at a time. We are all created for more, to be more, and to inspire more, even you! I've been blessed with so many incredible mentors and coaches in my life, and it has radically changed my health from the inside out. My own struggle with food addiction and depression has become something I have turned into my secret weapon of strength, and I use it to help people like you overcome your own demons. Life is such an incredible gift, I would love to be part of helping you remember that, or perhaps realize it for the first time. Healthy really does look good on EVERYONE!
